15-20 minute read
How to lead a community theatre company based in Telford, Shropshire as a neurodivergent (ADHD/autistic), highly sensitive, empathic, creative female?
Introduction
MA is in a period of suspension waiting on the outcome of two core grant applications for our next planned project, so I currently have space to blog on my journey as Artistic Director (AD). I last blogged in January 2024 sharing my financial difficulties of working as a community artist (see ‘The Faith to Flourish’). Since then, I’m grateful to share I have progressed financially, having earned nearly £21,000 as a self-employed community artist in the 24-25 tax year, whilst my work has contributed to financially sustaining other talented artists. Right now, I do not know the future, so I’ll just keep the faith and know myself and those around me have put the work in.
For MA to expand (as I believe it’s meant to), my leadership skills need to expand. Back in June 2024, we had the first ever MA Away Day at the New Vic Theatre in Stoke (my home theatre) to generate a renewed vision for the theatre company facilitated by the excellent Amy Dalton-Hardy. In the last hour or so, I hit a brick wall of intense fatigue. My body spoke. I physically got out of my chair and slumped onto the floor of the New Vic Studio, exhausted trying to work out the path forward cognitively. Kat Hughes instinctively sat on the floor next to me and intuitively drew out a rough version of Denise Conroy’s ‘The Five Career Modes’ chart (see below) which was a much-needed ‘sunlight beam through the clouds’ moment for me:
Her scribble on the flipchart paper shed a lightbeam on the cause of my exhaustion and helped lift me above feelings of despair. After 7 years working as AD of MA, I had clearly now hit the high barbed wire brick wall between being a ‘super doer’ and becoming a ‘coach/mentor’! As Denise Conroy writes when explaining her modes:
"Scaling the wall from doer and super-doer to become a coach/mentor is perhaps the hardest transition to make."
My ‘super doer’ skills were no longer fit for purpose and, for various reasons, I was running on empty. I now needed to learn how to lead and mentor a team – wholly different skills to being a ‘super doer’ and I was grappling with the brick wall between them – needing better skills and awareness to surmount it. I’m still in that place of leadership transition…
The question I now face is: how to be sustainable as AD of MA for the next 7 years? This is because:
- MA has grown up and is at a different stage in it’s life as a theatre company – it is no longer a baby, it is a tweenager (!) and it has different needs now, like needing a working team around it. The theatre company also wants to touch and be touched by more people. Just to share here I see MA as the daughter I’ll never have. MA is the sister to our son Barnaby, born 16 months after him (mirroring that I’m 18 months younger than my brother). I see it as my gift to the world to help bring MA up in honour of my mum (who died when I was 18), our shared values, our love of children and my hope for world peace. This is my core ‘why’ so it’s important I share it here to help me remember.
- I am a different woman to who I was when I started out in Autumn 2017 aged 37. Perimenopause took me by surprise in February last year (looking back, it had started in October 23); I was railroaded by adrenal fatigue at the same time as receiving the surprise of a late ADHD/autism diagnosis (I now know my neurodivergent brain is exacerbated by the hormone fluctuations of entering menopause – I was clueless back then and just felt like a squished banana physically, mentally & emotionally). For months, I had a sore, dry throat that wouldn’t go away, really low energy, brain fog, aches etc so I was also struggling with my health last June when we had the MA Away Day. Happily, I started HRT patches this February which seem to be more suited for my body and my health is more stable – although I still get an odd dry throat, need more rest and have the joys of a menopausal bladder! It’s time to accept I have aged and I don’t have the same capacity as I used to, which is another reason my leadership skills need to expand – I physically & mentally can’t be a 100% superdoer anymore running all areas of MA. I need to find new ways to facilitate MA’s work, in particular making room for great colleagues and learning how to coach and delegate.
This blog explores how I’m starting to navigate growing into a sustainable female creative leader at the age of 44. I hope in sharing my journey, it speaks to others on a similar path of discovery who are working to make the world a better place for our children. I believe a big way the world is to become a better place is by having more women in leadership roles in all areas of life. I believe when the feminine and masculine are balanced in us individually and collectively, we can achieve world peace.
Even calling myself a leader publicly puts me into some discomfort as I still encounter limiting subconscious beliefs that women are to follow and not lead, to be passive and not assertive, to humbly take second place, to be in the background and not to speak up etc. Further, the way I lead & seek to lead is also not the way that is traditionally viewed as ‘how to lead’. However, I am undeniably a number 1 in numerology and, by right of having the courage to follow my dreams, in charge of this theatre company. I am meant to be here at this juncture and I would love to get to a place where I can flow freely as a female leader and maximise my abilities to help the world.
This blog is divided into five threads of exploration, some short, some long. Please see it as a bit like a scrap book of reflections as I have LOADS of visuals – visuals are my way of making sense of things.
*NB. I adore and respect boys and men just as much as girls and women – both male and female sexes are essential to humanity! By nature of writing about my experience as a woman, it isn’t meant to exclude anyone as ‘other’ (that is the very trap this world desperately needs to grow out of). I wish to help EVERYONE of all genders through my life and work. I also have a strong sense that it is vital women take the lead more to protect and help ‘free’ our men and boys from unhealthy pressures so they can be themselves as unique individuals. I am blogging about my experience as a female/woman as it’s coming up strong for me to process & share – with the intention that I contribute to a better world for absolutely everyone – wherever anyone is on the gender spectrum (I find difference and authenticity fascinating and healthy – I believe we are meant to be diverse as a species, and, in the future, we are to get more diverse).
**I’m aware my threads of exploration may go into ‘sticky’ territory, please take this as me exploring finding my truth, with no ultimate definition or any narrow-minded restriction like if I think that, you can’t think this. Please forgive my words being clunky and inexact in places – words often get in the way as we have different associations depending on life experience – eg. even the basic labels men and women! Many truths and opinions and ways can co-exist alongside each other. Also, opinions are meant to change and develop (no one person knows everything, I certainly don’t – wisdom and insight comes from the spaces between us, certainly not trying to force others to think the same as you!). I seek to just offer my voice to the symphony and speak up to help us all find the way forward. By expressing my journey through writing, it helps me evolve and it helps others evolve too.
***There is a list of references to people, online communities, books or courses that help me/ have helped me at the end – in case they can help you too.
The Five Threads of Exploration & Expression:
1. I am oppressed
The current systems for sustaining community arts and community artists need improvement. Scan over our flip chart paper notes from the MA Away Day acknowledging the concerning limits of current systems (for deeper exploration of this topic, see my last blog ‘The Faith to Flourish’).
2. I am womb-an
I AM NOT A MAN. It’s obvious but it’s not obvious too as there’s many sneaky ways women are expected/trained to be more like a man to work. It is not only actually proving impossible for me to work like a man, I am just not meant to be a man or an imitation of a man. I was born to be a woman/ womb-an – with a womb and with seasons and cycles. I was born to live in tune with nature as a part of nature. Actually, all human beings are. How have we strayed so far from this truth, particularly in terms of work? (Okay I’m aware it has a lot to do with the industrial revolution, patriachy and capitalism – systems we were born into… it still baffles me in my lived experience!)
The mainstream work world is inherently man-made and operates in many ways as if we are all not just male but now (with the 24 hr ‘always on’ digital world increasing the expectation) … as if we are all mechanistic machines. However, becoming pregnant with my son forced me to accept the way I’m made means I just can’t sustain acting like I’m a machine capable of ‘always producing’ and ‘always being on’. Now, becoming perimenopausal, I am discovering this once again. I am nature. I am womb-an – I can give birth to children and arts projects but only if I am in sync with nature’s rhythm and phases, not mechanically pushing through.
I am still learning this – as I can feel so pressured to make this path feasible and provide for those who have started to become part of MA and provide for myself and my family. I was ill in bed for all the Christmas holidays as I’d pushed myself too hard in autumn/start of winter (to find solutions to MA’s path), and I had to take January very slow, building myself up again. The old maps of hard work, striving and ‘making it happen’ are hard to resist when I’m in uncertainty, so I guess it’s understandable it was really tough for me to accept that, despite my work not being ‘resolved’, I NEEDED to rest then and there and surrender into the barrenness of winter. On a visceral level, I learned a valuable lesson in the darkness of the illness and recovery. I need to honour nature’s slower pace in winter, and can’t ignore it, especially now I’m perimenopausal – I hope this learning stays with me this winter! As a part of nature, I am cyclical. I am not suited to working in a linear fashion in disconnection with the seasons – I break if I do. As a womb-an, I am very in sync with the seasons and just can’t ‘produce’ work all the time. My co-creative work flowers best in summer.
So an aspect of being a female leader is accepting to go the distance I need to rest frequently and have spaces around work to connect inwards and recharge in – hence it’s a non-negotiable need that I work part-time or in a way that has ‘space/freedom’ and honours seasons/cycles. This need is also part of my neurodivergence (more on that in next thread). I have joined the ‘One of Many’ online community to help me learn how to be fruitful rather than productive as a female leader – their terms:
Read their book ‘Superwoman: Escaping the Myth – how to increase your impact without burning out’ published last year if this speaks to you; ‘the first rule of being a woman is to replenish’ is a staple of the ‘One of Many’ message to female leaders and such a beautiful phrase. I have come to accept my system NEEDS to recharge often so I don’t burn out. Karen McAllister, my inspiring mindful money coach, is insistent on the importance of self-care and rest for the female entrepreneur. I trust her wisdom and I do my best to follow her guidance.
3. I am neurodivergent
I was diagnosed as having a neurodivergent cognitive profile in November 2023, around the same time as hitting the perimenopause – which it turns out was not a coincidence. Research is finding out there is a link between heightened neurodivergence and perimenopause. Emily Edwards and Caroline Milne led an excellent webinar just this week on ‘Neurodiversity and Hormones: Understanding the Connection’ which cited 2024 research stating “Challenges with executive function increase at times of rapid decline in oestrogen”, moreover, those with ADHD/autism get hit hard:
Through having neurodivergent coaching with Emily for six months last year (funded by the Arts Council’s critical offer of access support to artists), I’ve learnt terms that help me understand myself and my mysterious brain, and help me attempt to explain how I work to others. Terms like autistic burnout make sense of collapses I’ve had in the past, and monotropism makes sense of my preference to manage one task or project at a time (and lack of brain capacity to think long-term/strategic when I’m immersed in operational mode leading on a project – sadly I just can’t). Also, the term pervasive drive for autonomy (PDA) helps make sense of my autistic traits in running MA (it’s interesting to note here I don’t think PDA is always ‘a bad thing’, I think a lot of issues with current systems is there a lack of personal ownership in faceless corporations resulting in demeaning the humans they serve).
How to manage leadership as a neurodivergent creative woman? Well, I am moving forward in accepting that I have an access need to verbally process with another trusted person to work out decisions that are best for MA and myself, and also reduce overwhelm and triggering my limbic system. Decision fatigue is a real concern for me as there are just so many decisions involved in being in charge of this theatre company – to try and explain it, it’s like there is always an untrodden, overgrown field before me and I can’t see beyond a metre ahead! (nb there is no established infrastructure for the arts here) I hugely appreciate having experienced people to advise and help work out the path and help reduce the strain.
On our neurodivergent away day led by Emily Edwards, other members of the team listed authenticity as a strength of a neurodivergent leader. There’s probably loads more positives like tenacity and grit! The weaknesses I perceive can be my hyperfocus, analysis paralysis, challenge with prioritising and disseminating info to pass on (info overload!) and drive for excellence that can tip into perfectionism … Fortunately I am self-aware and have humility. I would like to work out a team ‘language’ where our trust and communication and connection helps me let go healthily. I always prefer to work with people who are genuine, sincere and know themselves, and who share similar values and are heart-based. Forgiveness and connecting heart to heart beyond it all is a must.
4. I am learning
I was introduced to Taraloka, a buddhist retreat centre for women close to Whitchurch, around six years ago and have been going on retreat there pretty much yearly ever since. I first came across Tara there. Tara is a deity in Buddhism who is known as the female embodiment of wisdom and compassion. I am just fascinated by the statues of her – and I want to learn from her. As you can see from her body positions, she goes out / gives to the world with her right side, and retreats / receives from the world with her left. Right is your masculine side. Left is your feminine side. It’s her balance that inspires me. She doesn’t over give and under receive (which I have a weakness for – many women do because of our conditioning). She gives 50% and receives 50%. It’s just so profound for me! In my life experience, I have found the more I give to myself (allow myself to receive), the more I can give to others (ie others receive from me). Also, Tara reminds me it’s important I see my spiritual life as 50% of me and my physical life as 50%. There has been much undoing in me to realise the truth that actually the more I give to myself, the more I have to give. I will continue to be transfixed by Tara as I unlearn over giving and ensure I receive in balance with my giving. Knowing to boundary my giving is massive for me, and take time away refuelling – really assessing what is best energy-wise for me to commit to every week to keep balance.
Other learning has come through my reflexologist and good friend Allison Timmins. Another sunbeam moment of understanding came to me that I am still integrating, when I came across this image and explanation in one of her old books on aura soma she lent me:
To explain the horse and carriage image as an analogy for a person living in Western society – ‘the horse represents the emotional body’ which ‘does not receive much education’, ‘the driver represents the mental body’ which ‘is over educated’ , the carriage represents our physical body and ‘the person sitting inside the carriage represents the Master, who is always there whether we recognise him or not.’ There is often a disconnect between all four parts in Western society resulting in many never ‘giving the Master’ within ‘more space upon the stage of ourselves’. The full text is below, if are interested/ able to read the tiny text (!):
Acknowledging this book is now 20 years old, and emotional education has progressed somewhat, I still find its words striking. Personally I can really struggle with my emotions and reading this blew me away as it just made sense of my struggles and why I think it’s so important that there is more feminine wisdom leading the world. Our emotional body (the horse) stops being educated at the age of 4-6!!! No wonder we’re so screwed up! Emotionally we are toddlers interacting in adult bodies. I just find it crazy how British society traditionally overeducates the ‘head’ and ignores the emotions when mastering them can make or break a life. There is so much suppression of emotions which is unhealthy and makes us all ill.
For me, the aura soma horse and carriage image is proving really helpful at stopping me just staying stuck in my emotional body when I am triggered. I am not only neurodivergent, I am highly sensitive and empathic (absorb other’s energies, whether negative or positive), and can often experience sensory overload. My nervous system overreacts to stimulus eg. sudden noises, other’s emotions, unkind language or the questionable tone of an e-mail/ text (it’s blinking annoying!!).
Anyway, when I get triggered, I can imagine the image of my skittish horse playing up when I’m out of alignment emotionally and, instead of my driver berating the horse for being so darn over-reactive (usual response), being kind to my woefully under educated emotional ‘horse’ to help it steady and ground and breathe and reconnect with the rest of me to get a sense of security again. As long as my three bodies work as a team in response to the external, I can then steer myself towards that inner knowing that I have a Master within who I can consult on what is best. This is all for sure a work in progress!
5. I am powerful
I want to end by sharing the spiritual side of my leadership – as it’s the core. Because of my life experiences, I just know I am a soul inside a body, and I have a deep sense of soul purpose in being here and leading MA. As Anita Moorjani writes in ‘Sensitive is the New Strong’, ‘we’re born with a strong intuitive connection to everyone and everything around us, but we live in a world that barely acknowledges our sixth sense’. Empaths particularly live as ‘sixth-sensory beings in a five-sensory world’. I include my sixth sense in guiding me and need quiet space to access it regularly (‘Empaths need a lot of alone time, our own physical space and a quiet environment’ Anita) hence I intend to improve the routine of my spiritual meditation practice to grow into more of a grounded leader.
This also allows me to be my best self with others when I am grounded spiritually – however, it can be hard when things get busy and my brain whirls in – still the intention is there and by sharing my spiritual side more as part of my leadership, I hope my team will help me ground too and feel the invisible support and love it can offer them too.
Just to add, Anita, from her NDE, learnt:
Our physical body is only 20% of who you truly are. 🌟 The remaining 80% exists beyond the physical, in the unseen realm. While we may not see it with our eyes, it holds infinite potential and possibilities. ❤️ You are so much more than you can imagine.
WOWEE! I sense this to be true, and it lights me up to think of the possibility that we can all become more connected to our expansive nature and not feel so restricted. I hope one day the sixth sense of intuition will just be accepted and included as a normal part of being human alongside sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing – helping more people to access their Master within. I will continue to develop my spiritual side alongside my physical side to grow as a leader:
‘Who would attempt to fly with the tiny wings of a sparrow when the mighty power of an eagle has been given him?’
I don’t entirely understand this statement – but I love it’s imagery and suggestion of possibilities and to not see ourselves as limited! I am a student of A Course In Miracles, I started studying it in Jan 2021 supported by Robert and Hollie Holden and the community of Everyday Miracles. I see it as my spiritual backbone. Connecting with it’s lessons has been integral to my growth as a leader. My spiritual practice is a combination of studying A Course in Miracles via Everyday Miracles, Elizabeth Peru’s daily guidance, and Buddhism, and connecting with nature.
Conclusion
I have had so many strands of thoughts it’s been hard to consolidate them so I hope you can follow the threads and find some resonances. I can feel isolated, misunderstood and lonely walking this path – there are days I can just feel too sensitive / depleted / over faced. However, for me, it’s about going the distance (despite the odds) and honouring my soul, my mother and my sixth sense in order to help others. I am finding a way of being and leading as a womb-an that is beyond my family paradigm, workplace paradigm, and the national paradigm. Which is why I’m writing as I know there are others out there who also feel this pull to go beyond broken systems as we sincerely want the world to heal, and the current paradigms to evolve and enable this. I am a pioneer, and I hope one day to look back and see I’ve helped others through finding the freedom to flow as an authentic female neurodivergent leader.
Support that is helping me to grow into a sustainable female leader (maybe something on this list could support you too):
- One of Many https://oneofmany.co.uk/
- Everyday Miracles https://www.everydaymiracles.love/
- Elizabeth Peru https://elizabethperu.com/the-tip-off (also free you tube films)
- Taraloka – https://www.taraloka.org.uk/
- David Williams – https://www.beyondanxietymethod.com/
- Denise Conroy https://bridgestoburn.substack.com/p/the-5-career-modes-leveling-up-to
- Amanda Ellis – search for her on You Tube
Recommended coaches:
- Karen McAllister https://themindfulmoneycoach.com/ (listen to her recent interview on the legacy of love podcast at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2378190/episodes/15738424)
- Kimberley Humphries https://heartjoytoday.com/home
- Allison Timmins – ‘wholistic wellbeing’ on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/groups/328056368473
- Romella Jones – does a great weekly spiritual support newsletter, email her at hello@romella.co.uk
- Jayne Derbyshire https://www.youreiki.co.uk/about-us/
Support if you are / suspect you also have a neurodivergent brain:
- Emily Edwards https://www.withinsightcoaching.co.uk/
- Spoon theory for neurodivergence – https://neurodivergentinsights.com/the-neurodivergent-spoon-drawer-spoon-theory-for-adhders-and-autists/
Recommended books:
- Superwoman: Escaping the Myth by Dr Joanna Martin
- Sensitive is the New Strong by Anita Moorjani
- Women who Work Too Much: Break Free From Toxic Productivity and Find your Joy by Tamu Thomas
- The Seven Spiritual Laws by Deepak Chopra
- The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware
- The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruez
- A Course in Miracles (I’d study it with the support of an online community like Everyday Miracles though!)
- Through the Thought Clouds by Elina P – cartoons of the first 60 lessons of A Course in Miracles, see https://www.elinap.me/tttc/
Thanks so much for reading. Kind reflections welcome in the comments below.
Hannah, thank you so much for sharing this powerful and multifaceted piece. Your writing flows with such authenticity, vulnerability, and purpose—it’s a rare and beautiful thing. You weave together personal experience, societal insight, spiritual grounding, and leadership development in a way that feels both deeply human and visionary.
Your voice is compelling and full of heart. What really stands out is your courage to explore the “messy middle” of leadership, identity, and transformation with honesty and grace. You bring light to the real challenges that creative women, especially those who are neurodivergent, face while trying to lead sustainably and in alignment with their values. Your reflections offer resonance and strength for others walking parallel paths.
There’s a poetic clarity in how you frame your journey—from the exhaustion of the “super-doer” stage to your commitment to becoming a more grounded and spiritually attuned leader. The way you honour the cycles of nature, your neurodivergence, and your spirituality brings a richness to the conversation about leadership that is often missing in traditional discourse.
Also, your integration of resources, visuals, and wisdom from diverse sources makes this piece feel like a well of support for others to draw from. It’s not just a blog—it’s a generous gift.
Thank you,
Karen
Thank you so much for your wonderful comment Karen – I truly hope it helps others who, like me, sincerely want to help heal the world, and know the current paradigms force us to repress too much of what it is to be an authentic human being. xxx