10-15 minute read
How to continue to establish a community theatre company based in Newport, Shropshire whilst managing the demands of being a parent and maintaining an income?
Two years have passed since I last wrote a blog on my journey as Artistic Director of MA. I have found a day’s grace in which I can come up for air and type.
Lots of good stuff has happened; it’s been busy and the theatre company’s work and impact has progressed with two 10K grants under it’s belt. These are now spent and I find myself facing the cycle of requiring deep faith when faced with the unknown future yet again. I am ‘between grants’. A mammoth challenge of this path is the way community arts are currently funded, project by project. Thus there are periods where the running costs in order to secure the grants aren’t funded and it takes great grit to ride those periods of nil income when you still have the same living costs to sustain as ever.
When you are amidst the demands of running and delivering projects, it is nigh on impossible to get your head out of operations to be able to be strategic and predict the next project and get ahead and run alongside the more ‘artificial’ timeline of applying for a grant in good time. The skill or luck is in a project emerging into enough form and detail in sync with the timeline of the ‘right’ grant for that particular project. There’s a lot of networking, organisation, thought, drafting involved in applying for a decent sized grant – and to be sustainable, I need to be able to pay myself for the copious administration/management.
I don’t want to complain, I want to be honest. The future bodes well and I’ll hang in here and keep holding the vision as Rebecca Campbell urges on her ‘New Earth’ card (found in the Starseed Oracle deck, 2020) whilst taking action as I am guided, grateful I have more of a support network around me to consult than before (the legacy of the Arts Council and Postcode Local Trust grants). At the end of this month, I will hear the outcome of a grant application I managed to submit in July with Russell’s valiant help and Lucy Willis and Anna Belyavin’s helpful input. Otherwise, I must submit a decent sized grant application somewhere to continue the work next year. I am proud the Drama in the Forests and Newport Youth Theatre are benefitting many diverse people, especially our children and young people – which is my long-held vision for the theatre company starting to come true – whoop whoop!
I have titled this blog ‘divine feminine rising’ as I sense it rising, in me, in you, and in the wider world. I’ve loved watching the women’s england football team in action this summer. The lionesses really empower and inspire me – I’ve needed to see them on the pitch bearing their teeth and being ‘unapologetically themselves’ – all of themselves, most especially, assertive and aggressive. I’ve never been into men’s football, as I’ve always felt an outsider. Women’s football – wow, now we’re talking, especially having a superb female coach too on the sidelines. I now get even more why it’s important all types of diverse role models are in front of children to identify with so all feel represented. *by the way I’m steering clear of commenting on the spanish kiss debacle here, although it’s defo of relevance to this topic!!!
So… what is the divine feminine? I guess for me it’s the life force that is needed to be more at the forefront of leadership alongside the divine masculine. It’s in each of us as individuals, as men and women, as a collective. The yin to the yang. There’s no exact dictionary definition to it, it’s just patently obvious there is a historic imbalance of disrespect towards the feminine that, if left unchecked as a repeating pattern, will cause our destruction as a species.
The Dalai Lama believes increased emphasis on ‘the promotion of women to positions of influence’ is a priority in the quest for world peace (thoughtco.com/dalai-lama-world-saved-western-woman-3971297) :
Some people may call me a feminist...But we need more effort to promote basic human values — human compassion, human affection. And in that respect, females have more sensitivity for others' pain and suffering.
Having buddhist leanings (I was a nichiren buddhist for nine years with the SGI https://sgi-uk.org/ ), I’ve always respected him and trust his insights. Sarah Ockwell Smith, a childcare writer I have leaned on many times, heartily agrees in her August newsletter (https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2023/08/08/why-we-need-more-politicians-who-are-mothers/):
How do we bring humanity to politics? How do we nurture families and quite rightfully view children as the society of tomorrow? The answer is simple – we move from the patriarchy to the matriarchy. We give the reins of power to women, or more specifically – mothers.
It’s a provocative read – it is a precursor to her book ‘Because I said so’ coming out this month.
My perspective is that the divine feminine is to rise in all of us – men as well as women. Looking at the younger generations, it is starting. I also sense it’s only in women fully leading and stepping into their divine feminine power that the majority of men will feel safe/ brave enough to take off those ancient ancient masks and reveal their softness more in public so yin and yang can balance individually and collectively.
What I personally need to work on is my balance between my divine masculine and feminine, and bring forward more qualities that are traditionally deemed ‘masculine’ into my leadership. Seeing Mary Earps shout ‘f*** off’ on the football pitch is a help! In order for MA to survive, I have to get better at asserting my worth as a talented professional, alongside standing up for the worth of the work MA delivers.
From the get go, men get to see that it’s a good thing to have self-worth / a healthy ego and shout it out to the world – this is modelled to them everywhere through popular culture and patriachy. The gender role socialisation that women are steeped in from birth is no way near as straightforward and simple, that’s why, for me, the female footballers are at the forefront of divine feminine rising. A woman being openly competitive, standing her ground, being certain of her excellence, and being fiercely boundaried is just not how women have been socialised to behave. Which leads me onto looking at a major stumbling block to standing in our power. Toxic feminity. As women have been disempowered and boxed as second class citizens since forever, there is much toxic femininity passed on from generation to generation…
Examples of toxic feminity:
- people pleasing / overgiving (leading to huge resentment long-term)
- being a martyr (always putting others needs above your own)
- manipulative/ passive aggressive (being underhand/ covert to get what you want)
- submissive / easily influenced / poor boundaries
- denying or hiding our real needs to fit in / keep the peace
- gossiping / judgmental / spitefully critical
- insecure / needy / co-dependent
- blind spot when it comes to self-respect and asserting your worth (esp at work)
- feeling of 'never enoughness' which leads to seeking external validation
- indecisive & get stuck in analysis / overthinking (oh yes I recognise this in me!)
- perfectionism / harsh self-criticism ('nothing I do is good enough')
- victim mentality / blaming / refusing to take responsibility (it's all other's fault)
- Jeez there's a lot!!
I own up to struggling with toxic feminity, particularly around work (and pay.. about which there is a whole load of inherited crap around not only being female but being an artist/creative so marginal/unimportant). Examples are going into self-doubt and indecision, losing my sense of self when with others who are more assertive, and letting others dominate or then going into toxic masculine and being too closed and defensive! I would like to improve my abilities to discriminate and discern, maintaining focus on essential priorities, getting less sidetracked by superficial urgencies, be clearer asserting boundaries on my time and setting limits. This is a challenge as women/ mothers are often ‘invisible glue’ in many arenas that they simultaneously operate in (term learnt from awesome Romella Jones https://romella.co.uk/). The sometimes overwhelming map of my WhatsApp messages is a reflection, which my brain struggles to process.
My achilles heel is maintaining boundaries, I find them tricky – I lost a beautiful friend and ally this year because of a toxic blurring of boundaries between us caused by my struggles with taking charge. I’m having to learn how to do boundaries much more when operating as a social entrepreneur and it can be painful and messy. However, I love the sound of achieving this:
Saying NO and having clear boundaries is actually a spiritual act. The most giving, loving, compassionate people are those with the clearest boundaries… When your boundaries are clear, others know where they stand and you are able to give freely. If you are not clear where your boundaries lie, this causes confusion, resentment and energetic chords to be planted.
In addtion, from working with David Williams on his excellent ‘Beyond Anxiety Method’ online course (https://www.beyondanxietymethod.com/), I learned that to navigate anxiety it’s important to know your values and act on those and not let fear stop you. My values are ‘sincere enjoyable loving kindness’ – in discussion, he got me to realise I need to apply these values the other way round too, which I’ve never thought to do – basically if others aren’t loving and kind back walk away / keep distance (which my work friend has done as I mucked up too many times!). Being able to discern where I end and where others are responsible for what’s happening (and it’s not my responsibility to ‘make things better’) is tough for me, but I’m getting better at it.
I always remember hearing Anita Moorjani in a Hay House Summit interview stating women generally need more of a healthy ego / self-love (a typically male trait) to balance their awareness of others / other-love let’s call it (a typically female trait). When ego and awareness are in balance, we have confidence to trust our opinion, act and take charge for the highest good, like Wayne Dyer had who she cited as an example. In the case of world leaders that cause wars, generally ego is way high and awareness of others is way low – youch. In the case of women/ mothers who are out of balance typically it’s their self-love/ ego that is way low and other-love / awareness of others is way high – actually also a youch but a pitiful, hidden one. The woman often gets ill and dies young (Anita Moorjani nearly did – read ‘Dying to be Me’, published 2012). This is as the suffering this imbalance causes is directed inwards, not inflicted outwards as leaders like Putin evidence. So it’s actually vital for women to develop their more ‘masculine’ traits of self-love/ego to be able to assert their divine feminine out into the world and be healthy and strong (which in turn supports their male counterparts and helps them find balance too).
This summer I enjoyed watching ‘Mulan’ on Disney + which was released in 2020; I’m sure it would have grossed brilliantly well at the box office if it wasn’t for the pandemic. It is a stunning and unconventional Disney movie, refreshing in it’s take on the tale. It champions the divine feminine. In the climax, it’s poetic to see the witch who is very powerful (but has been condemned to being an outsider so turns toxic) sacrificing herself to protect divine feminine rising in Mulan (who she is astonished to see has been accepted by the men). With the strength of truth and sensational chi (!), Mulan then defeats the toxic vengeful masculine, and is honoured by divine masculine finally coming through in the emperor’s respect for her after she saves his life. The acting of Mulan is excellent amid the relationships around her – I found the way she conveyed the struggles with having to disguise herself as a man to honour her mission/ be herself in order to protect her father, then being accepted by the men as a man, then rejected by the men as a woman than accepted as an honourable person who is a woman by the men, very touching (yes lots of ‘gender’ shifts happen!!). In the movie, she’s a total warrior for peace – enduring much bonkerdom to serve the good of all.
Then, for my 43rd birthday, I watched ‘Barbie’. I have never owned a Barbie doll but I rate the movie highly as it’s a really refreshing, playful, kind and clever look at our gender boxes and directed by a talented, insightful woman who wrote the screenplay in partnership with a talented male scriptwriter, who is her real-life long-term beau. Divine feminine rising to take her rightful place alongside divine masculine; their combined power helping everyone have fun and soften and, it being a major box office hit this summer, they’ve had mammoth impact on the world. It is worth noting neither movie ends in a kiss/wedding, avoiding the conflicts inherent and allowing the woman total autonomy (she’ll make her own decisions post film).
I hope the future of our species is that divine feminine and divine masculine are to stand side by side, adoring and respecting each other in an interdependent way, parenting the planet and all it’s inhabitants as a kick-ass team. We are all learning and attempting to work things out – remember no previous generation has achieved it, we are doing well and need lashings of humility and forgiveness (a divine feminine trait). I always remember the analogy when you point a finger, you have three pointing back at you. Men or women in toxic masculinity would do well to remember that one… pointing fingers and blaming or judging ‘the other’ offers no resolution, although politics appears to be very stuck here.
For me, sharing my voice, as in this blog, is stepping into my more ‘masculine’ side and risking communicating to honour the divine feminine wisdom I have. I am used to holding back sharing my thoughts in a public arena, especially when I’m still working things out (which I always am!). However, I get such a soul pull to write as I sincerely want to contribute to world peace. This time, I also received neon-bright guidance when listening to Alana Fairchild’s voice on my ‘333 Oracle of Heart Wisdom’ app:
Your most potent aspirations invert the power-driven priorities of mainstream culture and conjure a world of loving wisdom, peace and truly inspired creativity. Your soul is a rebel healer yearning for a more beautiful world for all.
Kaboom, if that wasn’t a nudge to share my ‘most potent aspirations’ in this blog I don’t know what is! Also, Kat Hughes, my fabulous mentor with the Arts Council DYCP grant, shared the phrase ‘the opposite of expression is depression’ with me once. It has stayed in me as a phrase as I believe it is actually vital we communicate and express ourselves to live healthy lives – hence why I champion the arts for all and I’m expressing myself in writing here.
I hope this blog inspires you to keep grafting amidst this somewhat messy birth process towards a new earth and join me in imagining world peace.
To finish our time together, please read my poem ‘Warrior of Peace’ below. It is dedicated to all warriors of peace, young and old, all genders, all backgrounds, all races, all religions, races, cultures, all, whatever you are doing, whether it’s being noticed or not, however you are expressing yourself to contribute to world peace, thank you, this poem’s for you.
Well Hannah what a creative woman you are . You are very articulate in your writing. Lots of things to think about yes agree can give love to others more easily than ourselves. I too enjoyed Barbie movie. I took the message to just be yourself that is good enough and where true happiness starts ????
Thanks very much for reading Pamela and your comments 🙂
Love this Hannah! Lots of truths in this. The Divine Feminine has risen for sure & many of us share this journey with you
Keep doing what you are doing! It’s amazing ❤️
Hannah I came across this again. I am further on in my growth journey than when I last commented. Have you ever thought of doing a regular blog or some other form of writing. You clearly have a talent for it. I also enjoyed your poem another talent. I wish you every success with your theatre company so difficult for funding and work with children is so important. It can also be difficult as a women and mother to get a work life balance. Sending you love and light ????
Hi Pamela, Thank you so much for your positive feedback – I would love to write more actually so it’s appreciated. I do my best to blog about my journey with the theatre company when I can come up for air (and sometimes I just HAVE to write to survive, which was the case with my most recent blog ‘the faith to flourish’). And, I write for the theatre company when a show is devised and I’m directing it – hopefully this will emerge again. Agree re the challenges you state! Sending love and light back to you xxx