The BIG question…

The BIG question…

How to start to establish a community theatre company based in Newport, Shropshire whilst managing the demands of being a new parent and maintaining an income?

Such a big question, it’s where I’m at starting 2019.   I see it as walking an invisible tightrope to the moon most others don’t really see or ‘get’.  An invisible path.  On the surface, I am just another mother with a toddler having a tantrum I don’t know how to calm, except wait.  And witness.  And offer. And hope he stops soon as my inner child can’t take it for over 5 minutes.  Deep breaths.

Also deep breaths with swimming through this time of my life.  I am changing identity.  Every level of my life is changing.  I am no longer in a well-paid salaried job at the pinacle of my drama teaching career.  I have become a mother.  An entrepreuner, a spiritual one. A splurgy person no longer treading the conventional line, but walking the invisible line at the edge. Brave oh so brave.  As well as scared, excited, vulnerable, content, grateful, free, terrified all rolled into one.

A stray cat, a unicorn, a foolish dreamer.  Who knows.  I am listening to the call though.  Having seen my mother die, I go deeper than most.  The gift is to know I’d far rather swim in this mess than regret my choices on my deathbed.  The visceral truth of knowing how the end will look, my last breath mirrored in my dear mother’s, gives me sterling unbending courage underneath it all.  This dream of a theatre company that unites thousands has been inside me for over 10 years since the words ‘Moonstruck Astronaut’ landed with definition walking home alone in London looking up at the moon.  There was no going back. There is still no going back.

I’ve already leapt, I’m 2 years into this muddy messy heroic strange path.  How to move forward?  What to do next?

Need to keep my head above water in terms of maintaining an income of sorts

Need to be there for my son or else why did I jump?

Need to do the washing and the food shopping.

Need to make contacts, get to know the theatre landscape.

Need to eat that frog and do an actual business plan.

How is this CIC going to make money?

Does it matter?  First just dream of uniting many people.

And be a mum. 

Oh it’s a splurge.

My brain just goes dead.  Murky.  Still breastfeeding you see.  Yes he’s nearly 3.  Blurry boundaries everywhere.  I look at the River Severn from the Theatre Severn.  It just keeps flowing.  Let go like the water.  Just let go with the mind.

You are meant to be walking this path.

That’s all there is to know.  

Maggie feels right.  I’m pleased Stage Directors-UK gave me the opportunity to parcel my dilemma in a question that sums it all up.  And I don’t how to answer.  The universe does.  It wants to make this easier than I’m making it.  

Trust.  Let go.  Enjoy.

You are alive and this path is entirely possible – you’re already walking it – you’ve managed so far.

Let go and Rest.

Give yourself permission to rest, fried brain.

written 13/03/19 – after meeting Maggie Love, Artistic Director of Shrewsbury Youth Theatre for the first time in the Foundry restaurant, Theatre Severn – Maggie is to be one of my mentors funded by the Stage Directors – UK Mentoring Scheme 2019.